Are You a Bad Boy Magnet?

We interrupt these “My First SWOONs” to bring you an important message. Judging by the response to “Sin & Dice Love Advice,” the romantic counseling service on this very website, a lot of plenty cool girls are dealing with some pretty bad boys. Are troubled types drawn to you like tornadoes to trailer parks? Take this quiz to see if your mojo is set on sin! Then read on to find out how to handle it.

1. A guy comes up to you at a party. His opening line is…
A. “Have you tried the bean dip?”
B. “Have you read any Chuck Palahniuk?”
C. “Have you got twenty dollars?”

2. Oh, by the way, it’s a masquerade party. He’s dressed as…
A. A vampire. But the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly and polite vampire ever.
B. Himself. He didn’t know it was a costume party and, in fact, he’s crashing.
C. Well, he’s got cool facial hair and the cutest little horns, but when you ask who he is he says, “My name is legion…”

3. When you flunk a test, the guy who’s crushing on you…
A. Offers to tutor you in the subject.
B. Offers to download your iPod with his “music to vent by” playlist.
C. Offers to slash the teacher’s tires.

4. You just missed your bus. Moments later, like magic, this guy rolls up…
A. On a bicycle, and offers to take you home on the handlebars.
B. On a motorcycle, and offers to take you home on the back.
C. On a motorcycle, and offers to take you across state lines.

5. You agree to a blind date because your friend says the boy is perfect for you. Actually, the boy is…
A. Sweet and smart, washed and pressed, and a mere two inches shorter than you.
B. Snarky and smart-assed, and his bangs are longer than yours.
C. On parole.

6. Someone is seriously sweating you. You know because…
A. He left you a hand-written note to that effect.
B. He’s always staring at you with this enigmatic expression.
C. He left a dead rat on your doorstep. The rat had a bow ribbon around its neck. But still…

7. That’s it! You’re done with guys who…
A. Think lattes are a gateway drug.
B. Can’t stop flirting with your friends.
C. Have a wife and two kids in Baltimore.

As Good as It Gets (mostly “A” answers)
I don’t know what they’re feeding you but you’re attracting altar boys only. Not that there’s anything wrong with altar boys (if you don’t mind ending every Saturday night date at eleven PM so he can be well rested for Sunday services). Maybe a darker shade of nail polish—or proudly carrying a copy of SWOON around town—will bring some naughtier fish to your dating pool.

The Bad and the Beautiful (mostly “B” answers)
Your allure is a siren’s song to left-of-center, slightly screwed-up sweeties. For the most part, though, they wear their dark side on their sleeve, but their heart is close to the right place. Let your own innate nobility inspire and influence him. Don’t worry, your parents still won’t entirely trust him.

Bad to the Bone (mostly “C” answers)
You emit pheromones that reach the deepest, darkest recesses of the massively messed up. Do yourself a favor and don’t leave the house again till your 30th birthday. If that’s not reasonable, try to be open to dudes that don’t have to take a piss test before each date. Prove that nice guys needn’t finish last!

Hope you got a chuckle and an eye roll from the quiz, but let’s be serious a second: If you ever feel threatened by or frightened around a guy, or just get a nagging feeling something’s not right about him, do yourself—your body, your sanity, your life—a favor and get the hell away from him. STAT. ASAP. PDQ. NOW. You’re too smart, too noble, too beautiful to let an abuser or addict have power over you—no matter how manipulative he is or how enticing his surface allure. Look, I write fiction, but I know from reality, and I am not making this up! Confuse a bad boy with a sick person and your worst nightmare can come true...